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Natalie Portman Birthed This Guy’s Son

“Bonjour, bitches!”

To the anguish of nerds the world over, Natalie Portman has given birth to Benjamin Millepied’s son, according to People. And exactly as you’d expect from a Jewish vegan actress and French ballet divo, they’ve chosen not to reveal the name of their progeny, so just assume it’s something really pretentious like Hiram Baryshnikov Alouette Millepied The Thousand and Oneth. “Non, non, non, those swine shall not know my swan prince’s name until they dance ze Nutcracker!” is how I like to pretend that conversation went.